Stoned

Well folks, I was all set to write a series of blogs about our exciting trip across the North Atlantic on the "M/S Norwegian Jewel" via the Shetland Islands, Iceland, Newfoundland and Nova Scotia. Only problem is: it didn't happen. About a week before we were to fly to the U.K. to board the ship, I started to get a sharp pain in my lower back. After a trip to the Morristown ER and a bunch of boring medical stuff, my urologist said: "Kid, you have a kidney stone and an 11-day boat trip is probably not such a good idea." or words to that effect.

Fortunately, Michelle had the foresight to take out trip insurance against such an eventuality, so we should lose minimum money on the deal.

However, we did get to take another exciting trip -this time to Newark New Jersey. Now normally a trip to Newark means Ferry Street and the Ironbound section for Portuguese or Brazilian food. But this time it was to the campus of the UMDNJ on Bergen St. and a place called the "Stone Center" - as in kidney stones. What they have there is a piece of equipment which is used to perform a procedure called "lithotripsy". Litho meaning stone (in Greek) and tripsy meaning to shatter (likewise in Greek). The device generates sonic shock waves which pass harmlessly through the soft tissue of your back and kidney and shatter the hard mass of the kidney stone into small pieces which can be more easily passed. In other words, they ping you like a U-boat being hunted by allied destroyers. And then you shoot out tiny stone torpedoes.

A Lithotripsy machine

A U-boat. Actually where we were supposed to have cruised in the North Atlantic was pretty much the hunting grounds of the U-boats in WWII

The actual procedure was overseen by my urologist who, although he practices in Denville, is a staff participant at the Stone Center.

What the whole thing comes down to is they lay you on a table with a kind of soft liquid-filled hemisphere pressed against the offending kidney and for twenty minutes you feel a kind of tapping on your back. Of course you are under a type of light anesthesia (Nurse Michelle calls it "twilight") so you can't really feel any pain.

Afterward, they made me hang out for about an hour until I peed and then told me to get dressed and get the hell out.

Actually, I thought that the staff were pretty good there. They were professional courteous and sympathetic. The place even had free valet parking!

About the only down side to the place was not for the patient, but for the person accompanying him/her. Since everyone undergoes some form of anesthesia they require you to bring someone with you to take you home. In my case this was Michelle. Unfortunately, she found the waiting room where she had to stay to be rather cramped and stuffy. Also, there was no place for her or the other people awaiting patients to even get a glass of water never mind a cup of coffee or tea. Well, we mentioned this in the survey they sent us, so maybe they will do something about it - who knows?

Since I was not allowed to eat anything from the midnight before the procedure, by the time they kicked me out at around 2:30 in the afternoon I was starving. I was all for hitting Ferry Street for some Paella, but since this would have ultimately meant subjecting Michelle to rush hour traffic, we decided to just head back to Rockaway and a sandwich at an excellent little place called "Potbelly's" in Rockaway Borough.

Anyway, that was my adventure in lieu of an eleven-day cruise. Can't say that their buffet and casino were very good - come to think of it they didn't have a buffet and casino.

Oh well.